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Commitment Phobia: Does He Want to Date Me or Is He Stringing Me Along?

Miss Aleck November 9, 2012 Guys 7 Comments
afraid of commitment



A sister in Christ had a question about a brother who she believes may be stringing her along. I’m not an expert by any means but I’ve lent some advice based on my personal experiences. Feel free to weigh-in! If you have questions, please feel free to send them to 


Dear Miss Aleck, 

Hello, i absolutely love your blog and i try to read it often. My question is i am a saved Christian woman that is 31 years old. Its been awhile since i have been on the dating scene but i have developed a friendship with a young man. He is 34 saved, no children an all 

around great guy. But we havent moved anywhere beyond friendship. We have gone on a few dates and we talk daily. I have asked him where our friendship was going his response you are someone i potentially want to date. So my question is should i just cut off the friendship…is he just not that into me or just be happy with our friendship?

Dear Confused, 

If you ask most men, the minute they find someone they connect with 100% they don’t want to waste time waiting. Most don’t want to leave open the possibility that a woman will find someone else. However, women put all of their eggs in one basket when it comes to dating and throw themselves wholly onto one man’s good graces. Their is a certain amount of aloofness and mystery a woman needs to have in the dating game – especially in church. Most men feel church girls are trying to “lock them down”‘ when in actuality we should be just as cautious about entering a serious relationship. The truth is  when men play the “you are ‘potentially’ someone I want to date,’” it usually means that

A. In his mind, you are a contingency plan. A nice back up that he can lean on should he not find what he’s looking for.  Your first mistake is that you speak with him everyday. Pull the emotional security blanket out from under him and entertain other friendships. Don’t allow yourself to get emotionally attached to a man that is not giving you any indication that you have a future with him.  

B. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for but he’s not sure you’re not it. A man at the age of 34 should know EXACTLY what he’s looking for. A man who uses the word “potentially” in the same sentence as your name is someone you should be seriously considering dismissing him. Why? Because you aren’t someone who should have to hear the word ‘potentially’!

C. He’s apprehensive about commitment. Ask him when his last relationship was and how long it lasted. There may be some emotional baggage there that you might want to know about before committing to him. 

The dating game is complicated especially as God-fearing women. However; know that you were divinely created. So, the question ladies need to ask themselves is not why is he  being cautious about with whom he choose to commit. The question is why aren’t we ?

Miss Aleck 

How can you tell if someone is being cautious or stringing you along? Is there anything wrong with having multiple friendships? 

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About The Author

D. is a Virgo, former nerdy orthopedic shoe-wearer with a humorous & intellectually stimulating repertoire of life stories. Catch her work on Madame Noire, Uptown Magazine


  1. O'Dell November 9, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Well it honestly sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants considering the fact that you’ve only been on a few dates. It seems as if she was already wanting to be in a relationship, and when she met someone who met her hearts desires, she expected him to be on the same page at the same time.. Give it some time.

    • Larry November 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

      +1 cosign

  2. Maris November 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    #1 is SO spot on! It is also quite possible that you are more a “safe choice” than a “contingency plan” (there IS a difference)- meaning that you possess the qualities he’s looking for, he just realized after crossing all the checkmarks off on his “list” that, well…you don’t “spark” or “captivate” him. But you aren’t going anywhere, so if it happens that “spark” turns out to be overrated too, there’s always his “list perfect” girl- you. This is opposed to a “contingency plan”, where you may be missing a few things on his “list” but you are a “nice girl”.
    **It should be noted this is also known as the “friend zone”, lol!! There are plenty of people (ESPECIALLY women) that find themselves in this truly annoying situation your “friend” is in-where you meet someone with whom you can cross off everything on your list…only to discover exactly how important chemistry is (because, with that person, you DON’T have it).
    I say the same thing Miss Aleck does-the BEST option is to remove yourself as the “safe” choice and stop giving him all of your time. You deserve a person who feels lucky to have you around, not shruggs and says “you’ll do”.

    • Miss Aleck November 9, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      Yessss!!!! I’m in complete agreement!

  3. rey November 9, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    I totally agree with #A. It’s very possible that he’s keeping her on the side while he does his thing. But as I was reading the letter, a few things seemed weird…

    She says that she’s gone on a few “dates” with the guy and talk every day. Wouldn’t that mean that they are dating? She asks him if he would consider “dating” isn’t that what he is already doing? I’m confused…

    I may be caught up with the semantics of the word “date” but if two people of the opposite sex goes out alone, it can be considered a date. If they do that a couple of times, then they are dating. No?

    Let’s say that they are not “dating”, but they are two friends that go out on dates. Cool. I wonder if sex is involved? None of my business, I know, but it would help assess the situation.

    If they are having sex, she’s not asking for them to start dating, she’s asking for commitment, which is different. In that case, if he says something like, “You’re someone I potentially want to commit to…” that means he’ll never fully commit. never ever.

    It they are not having sex, and he’s taking her on dates AND talking on the phone every day AND doesn’t want to take it any further, I would have to question his sexual preference or her attractiveness. One of the 2 (or both) can be queer.

    From a straight man’s perspective, if I go out on a date, alone, with a woman, multiple times I would eventually want to take it further than “just friends”. I don’t keep female friends around for fun, and I don’t know any straight guy who does either. IDK maybe it’s because I’m not Christian?

    Either way (sex or no sex), she’s getting the short end of the stick. I said all of that to say this, I agree with both Miss Aleck and Maris, you need to move on and find another friend to date.

    • Miss Aleck November 9, 2012 at 8:48 pm

      By dating I took from it that she’s asking for exclusivity…women’s and men’s definition of “dating” often differ. However, when she says they are friends that went on a few dates but she’s interested in dating she is referring to commitment and exclusivity

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