Promiscuous or Prudes: My Letter to My Church Sisters


“Some of us fall into success. Some of us are thrust into success but few of us no how to handle it.” ~ Iylana Vanzant

“Serve something bigger than your broken-ness” ~ Iylana Vanzant


By D. Kimberly

I’ve come to the realization that society paints “church girls” as one of two things: Promiscuous or prudes. Both definitions diametrically oppose each other. They polarize us into categorizes and any church girl knows that our lives DEFY description and categorizing. I find that sexuality is dismissed and whispered about but never discussed outright. Sexiness is a scandalous discussion. I’ve struggled with finding the balance between asserting my womanhood – feeling beautiful and sexy- and maintaining the modesty we embrace as Christians. The fight to quietly find this balance led to rebellion in college which led to crazy nights in the club – which led to repentance at the altar on Sunday morning – which lead to a repent & repeat cycle in my life. There isn’t a manual to how to be a God-fearing girl in a less than saved world. There isn’t a Go-To Guide for dealing with sexuality and dating other than the Good book’s admonishments to “abstain” and “die to lust”. However, individual beauty is stifled and young women struggle to find the balance.

The church girl – club girl phenomenon is sneered at from the pews and street. However, our coming-of-age story is a difficult and confusing one. So this is my letter to my repressed sisters who are trying to find the balance.

Dear Sister,

1. There will be men who call you the “church girl/loose girl” because they assume (falsely) that you are going to put out because you are repressed. LET THEM ASSUME. YOU are not to confirm or deny anything to ANYONE, EVER! God is judge and judge alone.

2. There will be men who hang around because they think church girls are gullible and easy targets – looking for marriage. USE TWO WORDS to weed out the “randoms”: I’M CELIBATE. It’s instant random repellent. However, they will be some who stick and test your theory. Stay grounded.

3. Be CONFIDENT. Women aren’t taught confidence as much as they are taught chastity. However, confidence IS SEX APPEAL personified. You should be as confident in a hoodie as you are in red bottoms.

4. When he tells you God hasn’t made it clear you are the one for him, MOVE ON. It’s a classic line which means in church boy terms “you’re my back up plan in case I can’t find anything else.”

5. When she tells you, your dress is too short – listen. Skin exposure DOES NOT equal sexiness.

6. When you open your closet door, there should be pieces in there that are One of a Kind.Nobody can rock YOUR style the way YOU do but having a few statement pieces, you ensure that your individuality remains your own.

7. There will be days when you walk alone. Staying busy keeps loneliness from causing you to reach out to a random. The busier you are the less time you have to focus on your single-ness and you invite new relationships and experiences into your life. I’ve been single for over 5 years. There were days when I wanted to have the company of a man. I have many a crazy date! But I’ve slowed down since August and really just had some “me” time. I began “Getting my life right” with organizing, going back to school, blogging, freelance writing, volunteering, working, exercising, health-care journey, natural hair journey, daily devotionals, and the list continues… Fill your day with as many things as possible without over exerting yourself.

Remember, miss lady, that a happy heart is the most attractive quality a God-fearing woman can have. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and most importantly YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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