Thursday 24th July 2014,
Miss Aleck & Co.

The Gospel Truth About Ladies Night: You Aren’t My “Sister”

By D.Kimberly My mother had 14 bridesmaids. I asked her how many she still speaks with and her
reply was “1.” The truth is we are ready to break into a tirade when men say it takes a lot to deal with women but honestly we can’t stand – lord forgive me – half the heifers we drag with us on
a Saturday night. We do it to A.) say we have friends B.) because we’ve been socialized to believe that we can’t participate in activities alone without looking that dreaded word – lonely. When I became serious about my spiritual life, I realized that most of my
“girls” were given that title by a common location or association
i.e. work, college, my ex’s brother’s girlfriend. But like any girl eager to turn a saturday night watching re-runs of Love and Hip Hop into the Estrogen laiden, independence heralded “Ladies Night”, I hauled every woman with me. When the gospel truth -which is what
I’m wielding today! Amen? – is that they fit into one of these 5 less than amicable categories which would have us scrapping any other day of the week. Here they are…our crew:
1.
The Bitter Biddy
with 20 kids has one intention and
that is to make everyone just as miserable as she is. She only came
out to get away from her brood of children and her off-and-on again
live-in leech boyfriend who drives her to drink most days. However,
to her girls her children are angels and her “husband by common
law” is someone we all wish we had. But her true colors come out
when she divulges that all men are dirt and picks out the flaws of
every man in the place. She’s going to block any positive energy
that will come your way. 2. The Attention
Seeker
-This girl takes literally 2 hours to pick
out what color pantyhose she should wear to the gas station. Please
keep in mind that I live in Jersey, we don’t even get out of the
car at the gas station because we don’t pump our own gas. Still,
every outing turns into a production. This woman has to be
convinced EVERY TIME that she’s a gorgeous, queen of the universe
and any man would be crazy not to fall instantaneously in love with
her upon gazing in her direction. It’s an exhausting battle of
mental chess just to catch a sale at Forever21. 3.
The Big Girl Who Thinks She’s Skinny
– “Mini me”
“What are you a size 0?” “I was surprised that Im youre size,
girl!!! I wear a size 2 in Lane Bryant. It really depends on if the
make of the dress is built for a real woman.” These are the
comments of the big girl who is in psuedo denial about her weight.
She shoves her snarky remarks at anyone she deems a threat and its
usually directed at skinny girls. Side bar: The Skinny girl team
was a team of which I was a part until 3 years ago when I went from
a size 2 to an 8 – pray for me. Anyway, this girl will pitch menu
items all night, “Have a cheese burger. Men like something they can
hold onto.” If you have newly given your life to Christ you may be
tempted to lay it down and beat the spit out of her. Then, Jesus
will take over. He will remind you of her size and that He was the
only one who could lay his life down and pick it up again. 4.
The Ugly Girl Who Thinks She’s Pretty
- I normally don’t call anyone ugly unless their spirit exhibits
it. However, this girl…okay let’s say this…when God was passing
out facial pleasantries during creation he got to her and said
“Next in line.” However, her confidence is alluring to men.The
hypnotic wiles of a self-esteemed gold digger always fascinated me.
This girl lays her demands on the table without pretense. Men, in
turn, love her red bottoms for it. However, not all men are
impressed by her candid talk and designer label ensemble. The will
sum up her part of the equation as the consensus of the whole clan.
Mr.Right will side step out of your direction because you are
guilty by association. 5. The Shy Girl
- after the hell the others took you through, this girl would seem
like a breath of fresh air. However, she feigns “shyness” to keep
up pretense. This girl responds to everything adventurous with “Uh
no, we don’t do that.” Yes, she refers to herself in the plural.
She seriously has me contemplating throwing holy oil in her
direction because I just read about Legion (in the bible) who was
possessed and referred to himself as “many.” Honey, I’m not about
that life. The conversation goes a little like this… Me: “Let’s
go snow tubing” Her: “We don’t do snow” Me: “Let’s take a cooking
class” Her: “We just got our nails done.” Me: “Let’s go to the
gym.” Her: “We will not be sweating out these edges” Know this: My
bucket list of life will not be dictated by your edges!!! Let me
bring this to the benediction. When Jesus was asked about his blood
brother he said “who is my mother, father, sister or brother. Only
those who do the will of my Heavenly Father.”So if Jesus was
hesitant about calling his blood, “brother” then we have to stop
dragging every weave wefted woman into our circle of “sisters.”
Church.

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About The Author

D. is a Virgo, former nerdy orthopedic shoe-wearer with a humorous & intellectually stimulating repertoire of life stories. Catch her work on Madame Noire, Uptown Magazine

6 Comments

  1. Maris December 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Grrrrl you ain’t neva lie!!! Although I will admit I have lowkey been “the shy girl” when we go out drinking, lol!

    • Miss Aleck December 17, 2012 at 2:07 pm

      Ahhhhh lol we’ve all played one of them on any given “Ladies Night” lol

  2. Darrk Gable December 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Lol at “facial pleasantries”. I appreciate that women have
    the roles they play when they go out, just like the
    fellas.

  3. Leighandrea December 31, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    This is hilarious and completely true. I hollered at facial pleasanatries..I will be using that one in the near future.

  4. MissGeeVious January 3, 2013 at 2:22 am

    Oh Aleck- you have yet done it again! If I were to compartmentalize my girlfriends it would be as follows:
    1. The Girl that takes Forever to get Dressed…. and still looks a mess! The problem is not that she can’t dress, but rather she tries to put on a front that completely counters who she is….
    2. The “Donkey-Syndrome” Friend (*pick me! pick me)… the night is WACK if less than 4 men approach her so that 1- she can reject them and 2-she can play too cute i.e. hard to get- not to mention she will gripe, try to ruin your night, and/or diss the men that approached the rest of the crew.
    3. The Skinny Girl that Thinks She is Fat… This might be a West Coast issue but my goodness… She looks like she needs a steak sandwich but refers a wedge salad- not to mention she will indulge in a cocktail or two but immediately needs a babysitter.
    4. Miss Night Vision- the fun girlfriends that notice everything hilarious in the outing- from fashion-related offenses to the eye-blinding reflection of the 1990s gold bicuspid from across the room. These are the ladies that keep every outing light and full of fun.

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